Moving On

If Heaven wasn’t so far away I’d climb the stairs and spend the day listening to the baritone, soothing sound of your voice and looking into your deep brown eyes so often filled with love and laughter. This time I’d etch the memory in my brain so I would remember and experience them forever.

Today, as I sit here remembering your birthday, that all too familiar ache tries it’s best to creep its way into my heart. Like a thief in the night. And I wonder if there will ever come a time when I won’t think of you and wonder…But then I hear the whisper of your voice saying “It’s time baby…It’s time to move on.”

Then as if by magic the phone rings and there’s another baritone voice on the other end. A voice as comforting and as sweet as a forehead kiss. Before I know it I’m laughing and making plans for another road trip. All at once I feel as light as a feather.

I look up and whisper “thank you.” Thank you for letting me know it is ok to live, to laugh and to love again.

I’m not gonna lie. There are still times when I long to hear your voice and your laughter coming in from the next room. But “life goes on” you told me in a dream not so long ago. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t quick. I spent a lot of nights on my knees begging for the pain to go away. And somehow I did it. Somehow I survived.

Before I met you I had built a wall so high that no one could penetrate. For years I concentrated on my children, my career and being the strongest, independent woman around. Meeting you made me realize I could still be all those things and loved too. It didn’t have to be all or nothing.

After losing you I struggled not to crawl into a corner and hide behind the familiar wall that you worked so hard to knock down. As the bricks began to rebuild themselves I felt engulfed in my protective shield that threatened to strangle me. Don’t let anyone in…and you won’t get hurt again.

Then I remembered the woman I fought to become years ago. I am still the woman concentrating on her family, her career and being strong and independent. But I am also still the woman who deserves to feel love and be loved. Opening up my heart and enjoying being a lady doesn’t reduce my strength or independence. It just makes me determined not to accept anything less than I want and deserve.

Moving on doesn’t mean I won’t occasionally feel the pain of losing you. It is now part of my DNA. But on this special day I want to thank you for loving me and giving me the gift in letting me know it’s ok to move on. Happy Birthday in Heaven.